Product warnings have become more and more absurd as manufacturers attempt to cover their ass-etts by making their products liability-proof. Everyone has seen the list of supposed product-warnings that list things like: “for indoor or outdoor use only” or hairdryers that warn “not for use in the shower”.

And now, from this site, we have a list of product warnings for the fundamental physical behaviors of products:

• WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
• WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
• CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
• HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
• CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the “Uncertainty Principle,” It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
• ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as “Tunneling,” This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor’s Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
• READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
• THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
• PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
• NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a “Gluing” Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
• ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
• NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is TenDimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are “Rolled Up” into Such a Small “Area” That They Cannot Be Detected.
• PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
• COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
• HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
• IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

I don’t believe in these tests much, but I was bored so I took the Jung Personality Test

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

Based on my Personality Type, the authors of this test have determined which careers I would LOVE

philosopher, game designer, scientist, software engineer, freelance artist, research scientist, ASSASSIN (Really!!??), freelance writer, physicist, software developer, mathmetician, geologist, computer scientist, philosophy professor, webmaster, slacker, medical researcher, painter, mortician, systems analyst, comic book artist, computer technician, website designer, scholar, archeologist, computer repair, forensic anthropologist, astronaut, researcher, historian, systems engineer, genetics researcher, astronomer, enviromental scientist, egyptologist

And which careers I would HATE. . .

human resources, public relations, social worker, guidance counselor, health care worker, trainer, school teacher, wedding planner, movie star, hospitality worker, SUPERVISOR (guess what I am?), child care worker, fundraiser, customer service, stay at home parent, office administrator

So, there you have it. Me in a nutshell.

Now if I could just get a job as a supervisor of assassins I could be “break-even guy”.

• I never realized how dull life can be without any kids around. No emergencies, no kids fighting, nobody to give orders to (“take out the garbage!”, “feed the dog!”, “clean your room!”). Its just work, dinner, TV/computer, bedtime. Seems almost pointless. . . so it goes.
• We just hopped on board the Netflix bandwagon. I did the math, and it worked out to be cheaper than renting from the local vid store, and with a broader selection, and no late fees. Seemed stupid not to.
• THIS JUST IN: My wife crawled into bed with a headache, and she put a DVD movie on. She fell asleep halfway through it. Just moments ago, as I was writing the above two points, my wife woke up and rewound the movie to the place where it was at before she fell asleep. She then promptly fell asleep again. Silly wife.
• Work is work

That’s about it.

Pointless Drivel has posted a terrific selection of pictures of some twisted person’s knitting projects.

Check these out!

This one is my personal favorite:

From the Jimmy Kimmel show. . . this clip is laugh-out-loud funny! And I hate Jimmy Kimmel, so don’t let that dissuade you either. He only makes a 20 second intro.

Last night Original Cindy and I went out with some friends to a karaoke bar on the outskirts of town. There were a lot of older people there. We fit right in.

They had a regular bar inside and a tiki bar outside on a little deck. The beer-tap system was broken on the inside bar, and the tiki-bar only had bud and mich lite on tap. Being the cheap bastard I am, I settled on drinking Bud all night at $2.00 a cup. When I say “cup” I mean “disposable plastic cup”. Seriously, I felt like I was at a college keg party. I was flirting it up with the girls at the tiki bar whenever I went out for a fresh cup of beer, and they got better looking after each trip.

The music was good, and the singers were halfway decent. We had a great time. We really should make a point to get out more.