I haven’t done a pipe-smoking post in a while. Particularly since about half of my hits from Google and Yahoo are from people searching for Pipe Smoking Women.

So, to keep the masses happy, I will try to make at least one pipe-smoking related post per month. . .

. . . preferably one that involves women.

Young woman enjoys an evening smoke

About a month ago, I made a post about How to smoke a pipe, and then I followed it up with a post about Women pipe smokers.

Ever since that fateful day, my top hit from search engines has been “women pipe smokers”. Who would have thought that so many people wanted to see pictures of women and pipes?

Since I’m always eager to please my readers. . . here is Lisa Bonet smoking a pipe:

And this is a good time for a poll:

Why do so many people want to see women smoking pipes?:
1) Something to do with sex.
2) Some other reason.

Please post your vote in the comments sexion section

The response to my Pipe Smoking post has been underwhelming. I think this has much to do with the fact that about 80% of all bloggers are women, and most of my readers are bloggers, therefore, most of my readers are women. They probably thought that pipe smoking was a “guy thing”.

But I can assure you, there is nothing sexier or more feminine than a lady who smokes a pipe.

Don’t believe me? Take a look at some famous women pipe-smokers:

So, what are you waiting for? Head down to your local tobacconist and get started. And I’ll be here with any advice you may need. (First bit of advice – try smoking topless like the african woman. Thats way cool!).

People often say to me: “TJ, you are pretty much the coolest guy I know. How can I be cool like you?” To which I answer: “Its easy. Have you considered taking up pipe smoking?”

WARNING: Scientists have known for well over a year that smoking may be hazardous to your health. Please smoke responsibly.

The Tools of the Pipe Smoker

To start with, you will need a few simple tools:

Rubbing out the Tobacco (Optional)

Before you reach for your gun, Guido, I should explain. “Rubbing out” the tobacco means to rub it between the hands in order to break up any unsavory chunks. This makes the tobacco more smokable, and helps to bring out the flavor.

Packing the Pipe

In your eagerness to get right to the good stuff, you will be tempted to ram the tobacco into the pipe with a forefinger as fast and as tight as possible. Not Good!

Carefully sprinkle the tobacco into the bowl – don’t pack it yet – until the bowl is filled.

Then, using your pipe tool, carefully tamp the tobacco down. Do NOT use much pressure! When you are finished, the packed tobacco should fill the bowl only about 1/3 of the way up.

Do this twice more. Sprinkle the tobacco in until it is full, then tamp it down lightly. Each time the bowl will fill up another 1/3 of the way.

When you are done, the tobacco should be slightly springy to the touch. You should also be able to draw on the pipe stem without feeling any resistance. If you hollow your cheeks while trying to draw on the pipe stem, then you will need to start over.

Lighting the Pipe

You are now ready to light your pipe.

Put the pipe stem in your mouth. The stem is the narrow part. Refer to the diagram below.

The Charring Light (aka, the False Light)

The Charring Light is what separates the novice pipe-smoker from the truly pretentious. First, put the flame to the surface of the tobacco and move it in a tiny little circle as you puff, until the surface “poofs up”. Then use your pipe tool to carefully tamp down the ashes.

Why do we do a Charring Light?: All Questions are closed on this forum.

Smoking the Pipe

You are now ready to smoke your pipe. Tips for good smoking:

1. Puff once every 5 to 15 seconds. Use a stop-watch to time yourself.
2. If your pipe goes out, curse and mutter to yourself. Then relight it.
3. If the pipe grows too hot from smoking too fast, throw the pipe as far away from yourself as you can. Call the fire department and tell them you have a “Code Purple.” They’ll know what to do.
4. DO NOT INHALE! Pipe smoke contains toxins and carcinogens. Ask your tobacconist for a Material Safety Data Sheet (MSDS) whenever you make a purchase.

Epilogue

Pipe smoking is meant to be savored. Draw the smoke into your mouth, and then let it slide out, giving it a gentle, almost imperceptible push with your tongue and cheeks. Savor the taste and the aroma. Enjoy the jealous glare of the self-absorbed poseur outside the coffee shop, smoking her little cigarette and relating how the Vagina Monologues have helped her grow as an artist. You have entered a state of peace that she will never be able to attain. You have abandoned fashion for refinement and joined the ranks of history’s greatest men and women.

You are a pipe smoker!

I bought some new tobacco today; Symphony by Mac Baren.

According to the package:

A very harmonious Ready rubbed tobacco dominated by the selected Burley tobaccos and with a minor part of virginia and the original Mac Baren Cavendish. In this blend the tobaccos are adjusted to bring out the slight natural sweetness and with the tender note of chocolate – which is found in all excellent burley tobaccos

I’m not up on my tobacco terminology, so I don’t know what “Ready rubbed” means, but I do know that it it does not mean that the tobacco is ready for smoking right out of the container. It does, in fact, need to be rubbed out, in order to loosen up the flakes. I smoked my first pipeful just after buying it at the Corner News in Keene. I found it mild-tasting, cool-smoking, and mildly aromatic, with a pleasant, slightly-sweet taste.

I was a bit wary about purchasing it, because it only came in a 3.5 oz container, which is twice the size I normally buy. I was worried that if I didn’t like it, it would be a lot of waste. I needn’t have worried though. This tobacco and thoroughly enjoyable.

Yesterday, the wife and I made a trip to Lebanon, NH (see previous post). Before we even left town, I was finishing up a pipeful of tobacco. There wasn’t anything left but dottle in the bottom of the bowl so, as I was cruising down the road, I steered with my knee, while cleaning my pipe out with my pipe nail.

I emptied the bowl out the window, cleaned it a bit more and once again, dumped the bowl out the window. In a cruel twist of fate, I bumped my arm against the window, which was just enough to make me lose my grip on the pipe. My poor pipe hit the pavement at 30 miles per hour. “Oh, Shit!” I exclaimed. My wife looked over at me (she was actually watching me with alarm because of my dangerous driving habits, so she knew immediately what had happened) and said “Oh shit, is right.”

I pulled over and turned into a bank parking lot, and ran back for my pipe. Dodging traffic, I looked at my poor, helpless pipe, straddling the center line. I could tell it was hopeless, even as I approached. The pipe had broken along the stem, splitting the briar wood neatly. I picked up the pieces and returned to our mini-van sadly.

My wife gave me a sympathetic “Serves you right.” As we continued on our journey.

That night, I went online and I ordered 2 more pipes from Cup O’ Joes.

These are relatively cheap pipes, costing about 25 bucks each, including shipping. They should arrive in a few days.